IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID!!!



Econometric studies have now confirmed the fact that alcohol consumption by colleges professors increases directly with increases in personal income.
ECO-NITIONS

An "economist" is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy.

An "economist" is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and makes you feel like it's your fault.

An "economist" is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

An "economist" is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.

An "economist" is someone who knows 100 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women/men.

An "economist" is someone who is too smart for his/her own good, but not smart enough for anyone else's.

An "econometrician" is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

A "policy analyst" is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist.

The "natural rate of unemployment" is an "acceptable" level of unemployment, which means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

"Waste" is a busload of economists plunging over a precipice with three of the seats unoccupied.
HOW DO ECONOMISTS CHANGE LIGHT BULBS?

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven, plus or minus ten.

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given.

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need a whole department of them just to prepare the research grant.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to prepare the proposal, an econometrician to run the model, one each MS and PhD students to write the theses and dissertations, two more to prepare the journal article (senior authorship not assigned), four to review it, and at least as many to refine the model and replicate the results.

Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the wage rate.

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A4: None. There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
A5: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!! A6: None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.

Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?
A: All. Because then you will generate more employment, more production, more income, more consumption,...

Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - the bulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - the market has already discounted the change.

Conversation between two Dinosaurs: Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the "correct" one, and everyone will still be in the dark.
HOW DO ECONOMISTS DO IT?

ECONOMISTS do it theoretically.

ECONOMISTS do it at bliss point.

ECONOMISTS do it cyclically.

ECONOMISTS do it in an Edgeworth Box.

ECONOMISTS do it on demand.

ECONOMISTS do it risk-free (in reference to the risk-free interest rate).

ECONOMISTS do it with a dual.

ECONOMISTS do it with an atomistic competitor.

ECONOMISTS do it with crystal balls.

ECONOMISTS do it with interest.

ECONOMISTS do it with models.

ECONOMISTS do it with Slutsky matrices.

ECONOMISTS do it discretely AND continuously.

ECONOMETRICIANS do it if they can identify it.

APPLIED ECONOMETRICIANS do it even if they can't.
FAMOUS QUOTES

"Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite things."

"Giving the Nobel Prize in Economics jointly to Friedrich von Hayek and Gunnar Myrdal is like giving the Nobel Prize in Physics jointly to Murray Gell-Mann and Uri Geller." Roberto Alazar

"Economics has gotten so rigorous, we've all got rigor mortis." Presumably said by Kenneth Boulding

"George Stigler Nobel laureate and a leader of Chicago School was asked why there were no Nobel Prizes awarded in the other social sciences, sociology, psychology, history, etc. "Don't worry", Stigler said. "They have already have a Nobel Prize ... in Literature." In Robert Kuttner, "The Poverty of Economics," The Atlantic Monthly, Feb 1985, p. 79.

"A colleague of mine argues that a 'normative' model should be defined as a model that fits the data badly." Robert J. Barro, in his 1989 paper in The Journal of Economic Perspectives.

"Eighty percent of rules of thumb only apply 20 percent of the time." David Gunn, Scotland.

"When an economist says the evidence is 'mixed,' he or she means that theory says one thing and the data say the opposite." Richard Thaler, University of Chicago.

"Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion." Peter Kennedy, A Guide to Econometrics, MIT Press, 1992, p. 7.

President Truman once said he wanted an economic adviser who is one handed. Why? Because normally the economists giving him economic advice stated, "On one hand and on the other..."

"We have two classes of forecasters: Those who don't know . . . and those who don't know they don't know." John Kenneth Galbraith

"Murphy's law of economic policy: Economists have the least influence on policy where they know the most and are most agreed; they have the most influence on policy where they know the least and disagree most vehemently." Alan S. Blinder

"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today." Laurence J. Peter

"A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year." Marty Allen

"Having a little inflation is like being a little pregnant--inflation feeds on itself and quickly passes the "little" mark." Dian Cohen

"I don't think you can spend yourself rich." George Humphrey

"If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion." George Bernard Shaw

"Practical men ... are usually the slaves of some defunct economist." John Maynard Keynes

"If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions." Winston Churchill

"Shall I tell you the opinion of a famous economist on jealousy? Jealousy is just the fact of being deprived. Nothing more." Henry Becque

"An economist is someone who sees something working in practice and asks whether it would work in principle." Stephen M. Goldfeld, The Journal of Money, Credit and Banking, November, 1984, p. 611.

"Having a house economist became for many business people something like having a resident astrologer for the royal court: I don't quite understand what this fellow is saying but there must be something to it." Linden, "Dreary Days in the Dismal Science," Forbes, Jan. 11, 1993, pp. 68-70.
INFAMOUS QUOTES

Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.

The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!

Practice economy at any cost.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they would be an orgy of mathematicians.

It's not easy being an economist. How would you like to go through life pretending you knew what M1 was all about?

Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.

To an economist, real life is a special case.

Economists have forecast 9 out of the last 5 recessions.

Achieving free trade is like getting to heaven. Everyone one wants to get there, but not too soon.

In Canada there is a small radical group that refuses to speak english and no one can understand them. They are called separatists. In this country (USA) we have the same kind of group. They are called economists. The Wall Street Journal, July 21, 1995.

An economist was asked about the meaning of life. He replied, "It depends on the parameter values." Nation's Business

The Commerce Department has a 46-page application packet for economists to seeking to run its leading economic index, but the packet warns: "The government will evaluate only the first 25 pages of a written proposal."

"Economic man" never gets a hang-over, if he doesn't decide that the advantages of acquiring it exceed the draw-backs.

Everybody has a comparative advantage in some respect, provided that performances are not entirely in the third quadrant.

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.

The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.

pkm's existence theorem: For every finite set of answers there exists an infinite set of novel models
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: What do economists and computers have in common?
A: You need to punch information into both of them.

Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?
A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.

Q: How can you tell when an economist is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack economists?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say.

Q: When two economists are out for a stroll together, how do you identify the University of Chicago economist?
A: He's the one walking randomly.

Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?
A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.

Q: Why did the market economist cross the road?
A: To reach the consensus forecast.

Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates?
A: Deflator mouse.

Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's?
A: The economist is the one with the calculator.

Q:Why did God create economists?
A:In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Q: Why did the economist cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: What does an economist do?
A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.

Q: What do you call a little girl in a brown dress who is running across a playground?
A: A brownian motion.

Q: Why has astrology been invented?
A: So that economy could be an accurate science.

Q: What's the difference between mathematics and economics?
A: Mathematics is incomprehensible; economics just doesn't make any sense.

Q: Why do economists carry their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in the (morally/intellectually) handicapped parking.

Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major?
A: Opportunity Cost.

Q: What is a recent economics graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q: If an economist and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A: ???
TOP 10 REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
  1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
  2. Economists can supply it on demand.
  3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
  4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
  5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
  6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
  7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
  8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
  9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
  10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WITH AN ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK
  1. Press pretty flowers.
  2. Press pretty insects.
  3. Use it as paper weight on your already overcluttered desk.
  4. Leave out in obvious places to impress uninformed undergraduates.
  5. Mail to the White House as an intimidation tactic.
  6. Give it a walk-on part in a boring European existentialist play.
  7. Just throw the damn thing away.
  8. Leave out for the rain and other forces of nature to reckon with.
  9. Read it (ha ha ha), and weep.
  10. Get a refund from bookstore so you can buy weekend's beer supply.
TOP 10 ECONOMIST VALENTINES, by Pat Marren (2/14/96)
  1. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm!
  2. Despite a decade of inflation, I still dig your supply curve!
  3. What do you say we remeasure our cross-elasticity!
  4. You bring the butter, I'll bring the gun!
  5. Let's raise housing starts together!
  6. Further stimulus could result in uncontrolled expansion!
  7. Tell me whether my expectations are rational!
  8. Let's assume a ritzy hotel room and a bottle of Dom!
  9. You stoke the animal spirits of my market!
  10. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou beside me watching Louis Rukeyser!
TALES FROM THE DARK SIDE

From Chapter 16 of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams: "Arthur awoke to the sound of argument and went to the bridge. Ford was waving his arms about. "You're crazy Zaphod," he was saying. "Magrathea is a myth --- a fairy story, it's what parents tell their kids about at night if they want them to grow up to be economists, it's..."

From the preface to Paul Krugman's book, Peddling Prosperity: Economic Sense and Nonsense In the Age of Diminished Expectations (1994, page xi): An Indian-born economist once explained his personal theory of reincarnation to his graduate economics class. "If you are a good economist, a virtuous economist," he said, "you are reborn as a physicist. But if you are an evil, wicked economist, you are reborn as a sociologist."

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Adapted from The Economist, June 13th 1992, p. 71: When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace". The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?"

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Found in a paper in Scientific American, July 1967, by Anatol Rapoport, who tells the following joke which he found in 'The Complete Strategist' by J. D. Williams: "Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests. 'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'the bandit is making his getaway.' 'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, doesn't he?'"

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From Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary:

Tariff -- A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

TRUE STORIES

I was riding my bike down a hill in my city one night and two policemen stopped me at their speed trap. They asked me how fast I was going. When I replied 45 mph, they congratulated me on the accuracy of my speedometer. They then asked me why I was not driving a car and, since I was a woman, wasn't it dangerous to be out at night on a bike? I said I did not drive a car. They then asked me my occupation. I said that I was "an economist". One policeman then turned to the other policeman and said "That's why she's riding a bike. She's economizing."

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One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accounting."

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Back in the mid-1970s, John Palmer attended an ASSA/AEA convention in Dallas. During the third day of the convention, one of the bellhops at the convention hotel asked him who the people attending the convention were and what they did for a living. "We're economists," he replied. "Why do you ask?" "I don't know..... no women, no drugs, just booze, booze, booze."

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Curt Monash was standing with Kenneth Arrow by a bank of elevators on the ground floor of William James Hall at Harvard. Three elevators passed us on our way to the basement. Curt foolishly said "I wonder why everybody in the basement wants to go upstairs." Ken responded, almost instantly: "You're confusing supply with demand."

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Carlos Bonilla was riding up the hotel elevator at the Boston ASSA meetings a few years back. In the car with him was a woman who worked in the hotel. Carlos asked the woman if economists are really as dull a bunch as they're made out to be. She responded that she used to be stationed at the NYC branch of the chain when the meetings were held there and that even the hookers had taken the week off.

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The scene is a conference of professors of marketing. The keynote speaker was an eminent economist. The chairman, who saw himself as a bit of a wag, said, "I would like to introduce my eminent colleague and friend. He's an economist, one of those people who turn random numbers into mathematical laws." The economist, not to be outdone, replied, "My friend, here, is a marketer. They reverse the process."

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Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit, when Boris said to Bill, "Bill, you know, I have a big problem and don't know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one." Bill replied, "Not a big deal, Boris, I'm stuck with a hundred economists that I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one."

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Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so that they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle. They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so that they could talk and he could sleep. After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.

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During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was encharged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 roubles to spend on chicken feed.

One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 roubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.

Hearing of this through the rumour mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 roubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget-padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.

The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival. "How many of the 15 roubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector. Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "Hey! I give 15 roubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"

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Overheard at a local bar: "I asked an economist for her phone number ... and she gave me an estimate."

I KNEW THAT ECONOMICS WAS RULING MY LIFE WHEN. . .

I tried to calculate my 5 year old grandson's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner.

I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my 5 year old grandson to select one of these bundles.
A COWSMIC VIEW OF WORLD ORGANIZATION

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

SOCIALIST : You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The State takes one and gives it to someone else.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The State takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The State gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The State takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the State took from the chicken farmers. The State gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

COMMUNIST : You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

STATE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the State takes all the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The State takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and drafts you.

MILITIAISM: Head for the ills. Declare yourself an independent republic. Start shooting if they come for your cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the State regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then, it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY #1: The State promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY #2: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The State doesn't do anything.

JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.

SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. If you are lucky, the government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment. If you are unlucky, the government hangs you.

DEMOCRAT : You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN : You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly Listed Company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. You hire Arthur Andersen to revise your books. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidize your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.

CONSERVATISM: Milk the cows, embalm the cows, freeze the milk, nuke the cows to keep them from spreading disease. Phase out over five years the amount of milk that you are required to give to the government.

LIBERALISM: Give the milk back to the cows. Let them escape. Put the cows on the Voter Registration list.

BRITISH ROYALTY: You have two cows. You give one of them to Queen Elizabeth. In return, you get to add "Sir" to your first name.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The State bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

And from my good friend in Texas, Robbis Storm:

AMERICAN GOVENRMENT: You have two cows. Bill denies any wrongdoing. Trent and Newt demand the appointment of a special prosecutor.

CUBAN GOVERNMENT: You have two cows. One of them dies. Fidel makes a two-hour speech blaming the CIA.

IRAQI GOVENRMENT: You have two cows. They die. Saddam denies any connection with the testing of either nerve gas or anthrax.

GOVERNMENTS OF BOTH INDIA AND PAKISTAN: You have two cows. You can have twenty cow. They are not interested. They want nuclear bombs.

JAPANESE GOVERNMENT: It has lots and lots of cows, all of which it would gladly trade for another bull market.

U.S. ARMED FORCES: The army has two cows. They buy a gross of ordinary milking stools for $4,023.71 each from a defense contractor, who used to be a two-star general.

MOTHER GOOSE: You have two cows. During a melee involving a feline and a violin, they escape and jump over the moon. One makes a statement that begins, "One small step for a bovine...."

OLD MAFIA: You have two cows. You give one to the Godfather on the day of his daughter's wedding. In return, he doesn't have your legs broken.

NEW MAFIA: You have two cows. You give one to the Godfather on the day of his daughter's wedding. A year later, when you cross the godfather, you find its head in your bed.

CYBERISM: You write a software program that allows computer jocks to raise virtual cattle. Download the shareware at www.twocows.com.

FORD MOTOR CO.: The auto maker introduces two new sport utility vehicles that it names "Longhorn" and "Hereford". General Motors quickly follows suit with "Angus" and "Brahma". In a panic, Chrysler, Toyota, Nissan, et al., register all known cattle breeds as potential brand names for new vehicles.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown cow best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIAN: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The NY Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

BART SIMPSON: Don't have a cow, man.

J.R. EWING: I have no beef with you cows --- it's the Cowboys.

MIKE TYSON: Iron Mike has two cows. Check out the ear tags.

DENNIS RODMAN: Dennis doesn't own a cow. But if he did if would be a cow of a different color --- every day.

CHICAGO BULLS: Why would the Bulls have a cow --- they already have Dennis Rodman!
THE VALUE OF HUMAN CAPITAL

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work
---------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
--------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
----------- = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more money you Make.
WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT THE UNIVERSITY
  1. Because he had only one major publication.
  2. And it was in Hebrew.
  3. And it had no cited references.
  4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
  5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
  6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
  7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
  8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
  9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
  10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
  11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
  12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
  13. He had his son teach the class.
  14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
  15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
  16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
WASHINGTON DC GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST HUNTING REGULATIONS AND BAG LIMITS

General
  1. Any person with a valid Washington DC hunting license or a Federal Income Tax Return may harvest government economists.
  2. Taking of economists with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
  3. Killing of economists with a vehicle is prohibited. If one is accidentally struck, remove the dead economist to side of the road and proceed to the nearest car wash.
  4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest economists from limousines, Mercedes Benz's, the Metro, or Porsches.
  5. It shall be unlawful to shout "research contract" or "I need a policy consultant" for the purpose of trapping economists.
  6. It shall be unlawful to hunt economists within 100 feet of government buildings.
  7. It shall be unlawful to use decision memos, draft legislation, conference reports, or RFP's to attract economists.
  8. It shall be unlawful to hunt economists within 200 feet of Senate or House hearing rooms, libraries, whorehouses, massage parlors, special interest group offices, bars, or strip joints.
  9. If an economist is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. It will also be a shame.
  10. Stuffed or mounted economists must have a DC Health Department inspection certificate for rabies and vermin.
  11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female congressional aid, sheep, legislator, policy maker, bookie, lobbyist, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting economists.
Bag Limits
1. Econometrician 2
2. Two-faced Policy Analyst 1
3. Macro Policy Wonk 4
4. Big-mouthed Populist 2
5. Relevant Economist EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat Administration Seeker 2
7. Back-stabbing Senior Author 2
8. Brown-nosed Deputy Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Congressional Consultant $100 BOUNTY
10. Wise-assed Civil Libertarian 7
11. Staff economist no limit
ECONOMISTS, THEIR FAMILIES, AND FRIENDS (???)

A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The chemist says, "That's OK, I'll sleep in the barn." The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

----------

Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but the economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.

The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy. They bought only one ticket, but the economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.

----------

An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, and he said, "Of course not!" But then why do you keep it? "Well," he said, "it works whether you believe in it or not."

----------

An economist was standing at the shore of a large lake, surf-casting. It was the middle of winter, and the lake was completely frozen over, but this didn't seem to bother the economist, who stood there patiently casting his lure out across the ice, slowly reeling it in again, then repeating the process.

A mathematical economist came sailing by on an ice boat, and pulled to the shore beside the surf-fishing economist to scoff. "You'll never catch any fish that way," said the mathematical economist. "Jump on my ice-boat and we'll go trawling."

----------

Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"

----------

A mathematician, a theoretical economist, and an econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn't really exist) in a closed room with the lights off:

The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital.

The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme accuracy.

The econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spends one hour looking for the black cat that doesn't exits and shouts from inside the room that he has it caught by the neck.

----------

A professor was about to get married. He went to the jewelers to get a wedding ring for his fiancee. The jeweler told him that he could have the inside of the ring engraved with the name of his fiancee for an additional $20. He said, "But that will reduce the resale value!" The jeweler was aghast. He said, "How can you say such a thing. You are a butcher!" "No," replied the professor. "I am an economist."

----------

A man was walking along a road in the countryside when he meets a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over. Since the flock is very big, he takes the bet. The man, then, very quickly says, "973." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. He says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks up one and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd. "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man says sure. The shepherd very quickly says "You are an economist for a government think tank." "Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

----------

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks: "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies, "Four." The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."

Then, the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question: "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but, on average, four."

Finally, the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question: "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

----------

Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling across the street at each other from their apartment windows. Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist. And why is that, inquired his companion. Because they are arguing from different premises.

----------

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours, they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and also the sun. Finally, he said, "OK see that big mountain over there?" "Yes," answered the others eagerly. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."

----------

A wealthy labor economist had an urge to have grandchildren. He had two daughters and two sons and none of them had gratified his desire for a grandchild. At the annual family gathering on Thanksgiving Day, he chided them gently to bless his old age with their progeny. "But I haven't given up hope," he said. "Yesterday I went to the bank and set up a one hundred thousand dollar trust fund to be given to the first grandchild that I have. Now we will all bow our heads while I say a prayer of thanks." When he looked up, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.

----------

Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly, they are blown off course, and they have no idea where they are. So they go down to 20 m above the ground and ask a passing wanderer. "Could you tell us where we are?" "You are in a balloon," says the wanderer. So the one pilot says to the other: "The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist." "Then you must be businessmen," answers the man. "That's right! How did you know?" "You have such a good view from where you are and yet you don't know where you are!"

----------

An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures. She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera. He agrees and dives in and retrieve its. Upon returning he says to her, "Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?" She replied, "Professor you seem to forget that I'm in your Econ I class, and I don't know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer, and come up drier than you."

----------

One day a man walked into the main library of a major research university. He stopped at the reference desk and asked the librarian if she had any current books about economics and the economy. She answered that she did, and led the man to the reference shelves where the economics and economy books were. To the surprise of both the librarian and the man all of the books were off the shelf being used. "That's OK," the man said. "I'll just go to another library. You see, I'm a very busy man, and I set this weekend aside for studying economics and the economy." The librarian said she understood and gave the man directions to the nearest research library. But her interest piqued, she asked, "Why are you so urgent to study economics and the economy?" The man replied: "I'm an economist. I've been teaching at this university for the past ten years, but I am giving a lecture at a business meeting on Monday, and I figure the economy has changed in the past ten years."

----------

One day a woman went for a walk in her neighborhood and came across a boy with some puppies. "Would you like a puppy? They aren't ready for new homes quite yet, but they will be in a few weeks!" "Oh, they're adorable," the lady said. "What kind of dogs are they?" "These are economists." "OK. I'll tell my husband." So she went home and told her husband. He was very interested to see the puppies.

About a week later he came across the lad. The puppies were very active. The boy saw the man and cried, "Hey, Mister. Want a puppy?" "I think my wife spoke with you last week. What kind of dogs are these?" "Oh. These are decision analysts." "I thought you said last week that they were economists." "Yeah, but they've opened their eyes since then."

----------

An experienced economist and a not so experienced economist were walking down the road. They came across a pile of shit lying on the asphalt. The experienced economist dared the inexperienced economist: "If you eat it, I'll give you $20,000!" The not so experienced economist ran his optimization problem and figured out that he was better off eating it. So he did and collected the money.

Continuing along the same road the two economists almost stepped into a second pile of shit. The not so experienced economist dared the experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this shit, I'll give YOU $20,000." After evaluating the proposal, the experienced economist ate the shit and collected the money.

As they continued on, the not so experienced economist said to the experienced economist: "We both have the same amount of money as we had before, but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off." The experienced economist replied, "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

----------

An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects. The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion". The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those".

----------

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks: will this cure my illness? Answer of the doctor: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

----------

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm an economist. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

----------

Two economists meet on the street. One inquires, "How's your wife?" The other responds, "Relative to what?"

----------

For three years, the young assistant professor took his vacations at a country inn. He had an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than an economist."

----------

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a practical economist, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

----------

A Harvard economist had a summer house in the Maine woods. Each summer he'd invite a different friend (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two. On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch along came two huge bears. The economist dashed for cover. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The economist ran back to his car, drove to town as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the economist. Sure enough, both bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the economist, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatd'ya do that for?!" exclaimed the economist, "I said he was in the other!" "Yep," said the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a economist who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

----------

A judge was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to empanel anyone available. He found a dozen economists and told them that they were a jury. The economists thought this would be a novel experience (none had ever been at a trial before, except as a defendant or an expert witness) and followed the judge into the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After three hours, the judge sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they arrived at a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, Judge, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

----------

On the first day God created the sun - so the Devil countered and created sunburn. On the second day God created sex. In response the Devil created marriage. On the third day God created an economist. This was a tough one for the Devil, but in the end and after a lot of thought he created a second economist! CHEER, February 1993.

----------

Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was, "Remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back." But, of course, they killed one each and, come Sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said, "Where the hell are we? Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year."

----------

An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some. To his surprise they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago! When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"

----------

A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?" The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

----------

Reproduced below is an Economist Joke that illustrates the separate facilities solution to an externality problem: Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, and an economist. They get behind a *very* slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the 8th hole, the three men are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so on. The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The economist says, "I really didn't expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf." By the 9th hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says O.K., but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and complain so loud. The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men." The economist ponders the situation-finally he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time could they play at night."

----------

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Lets smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Lets build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Lets assume that we have a can-opener..."

----------

A Berkeley economist died and went to heaven (No, that's not the joke). There were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the economist was, and greeted him warmly. St. Peter took the economist up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The economist said, "I like all this attention, but what makes ME so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your consultation clients, and by my calculation you're 193 years old!"

----------

A Chicago economist died in poverty and many local futures traders donated to a fund for his funeral. The president of (the Merc, the Board of Trade, etc.) was asked to donate a dollar. "Only a buck?" said the president, "only a dollar to bury an economist? Here's a check; go bury 1000 of them."

----------

An economist and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the economist as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

----------

An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist. "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist." "Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?"

----------

There is also a joke about the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union. After the tanks and the troops and the planes and the missiles rolled by there came ten men dressed in black. "Are they Spies?" asked Gorby? "They are economists," replied the KGB director. "Imagine the havoc they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans."

----------

A sure fire way to determine if someone is an economist: Ask the suspect "what's the difference between ignorance and indifference?" If the reply is "I don't know and I don't care" you can be pretty sure its an economist. Now the only question is what to do with him.

----------

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced that it was going to start using economists instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Agricultural Economics Association was outraged and filed suit, but NIH presented some compelling reasons for the switch:
  1. NIH lab assistants become very attached to their rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for an economist.
  2. Economists breed faster.
  3. Economists are much cheaper to care for and PETA won't object regardless of the experiment.
  4. There are some things even rats won't do. However, it is difficult to extrapolate test results to human beings.


----------

A guy walks into a DC curio shop. While browsing he comes across an exquisite brass rat. "What a great gag gift" he thinks to himself. After dickering with the shop keeper over the price, the man purchases the rat and leaves. As he's walking down the street, he hears scurrying noises behind him. Stopping and looking around, he sees hundreds, then thousands of rats pouring out of the alleys and stairwells into the street behind him. In a panic he runs down the street with the rats not far behind. The street ends at a pier; he runs to the end of the pier and heaves the brass rat into the Potomac. All of the rats scurry past him into the river where they drown. After breathing a sigh of relief and wiping his brow, the man heads back to the curio shop, finds the shop keeper and asks, "Do you have any brass economists?"

----------

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first economist. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

----------

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "Nothing. He's an economist."

----------

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced,"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually an economist. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

----------

The mathematician's child and the economist's child were in the third grade together, and the teacher asked, "If one man with one shovel can dig a ditch in ten days, how long would it take ten men with ten shovels to dig the same ditch?" Both children raised their hands. The teacher said to the mathematician's child, "Johnny, how long?" and little Johnny said, "One day, teacher." The teacher looked at the economist's child and said, "John Maynard, is that right?" Little John Maynard said, "Teacher, it all depends."

----------

A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:

Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Economists' Brains $19/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My those economists' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many economists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

HA! ... It's a "supply side" joke!

----------

If all the economists were laid end to end
  1. it would be a good thing
  2. they would be more comfortable
  3. they would never reach conclusion
  4. all of the above
  5. none of the above
  6. they would point in different directions
----------

Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so. "Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!"

PS. Replace the dollar with a relevant research idea and you get a new joke.

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Zwei Geraden treffen sich in der Unendlichkeit. Sagt die eine: "Aus dem Weg, sonst leit' ich dich ab!" Antwortet die andere: "Aetsch! Ich bin eine e-Funktion."
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